Sad

I called my friend at eleven forty in the evening because I was sad. I had no one else to talk to and I had no idea if she would even be there for me. I texted her to ask if she was busy and then again to find out if I could call her because I needed to talk to someone. I had driven around some country roads to see if that could help me but it didn't. I ended up at my old high school's parking just to call my friend. She picked up on the first ring and the first thing I said to her was "I'm sad." She sounded skeptical for a minute, kind of like "That's what this is about? You're sad?" then she asked what it was I was sad about and that's when I broke into tears. I've not been happy for a long while now and it was eating me alive, so much so that I felt I was in a dark hole and that I wouldn't be able to pull myself out. I told her all of my problems, everything that I was unsure about, everything that I was weary of, and everything that has upset me. My life, my job, my friends, nothing seemed good to me anymore and I let her know, I told her seven words, "I don't want to be here anymore" and without skipping a beat, she promptly told me to shut up. She told me that she didn't ever want to hear me say those words ever again. This was the most emotional segment of the call, I was sobbing, pulling my hair, trying to tell her that I just don't feel like I can function how I'm supposed to. I wanted to tell her that I don't want reassurance or help, but that I want someone to tell me it's okay to feel this way and that if I were to die, no one would be upset. This is my way of saying that, through this blog, I want to know that when I die, I won't be missed. At the end of the call, I was laughing through a sore throat  with puffy eyes and a stuffy nose, she's always been able to make me laugh, or at least chuckle, and that's what she did. She asked me if I was feeling better to which I told her yes and then we both said our goodbyes and hung up the phone. I feel now as though she thinks she has genuinely helped me dig my way up out of the hole I am in and for the first few hours after the call, I felt that way. But only a day later, I feel like I'm losing my foothold and starting to fall back in. Yes she helped me but the way I see it, she only managed to distract me from myself. If you read this, thank you for the phone call, it helped for a little while but I still want to go away.

Dark Places

As the title describes, that's where I am right now, I've been in some really dark places lately and currently feel lost in one. I feel as though I've been cheated and left for dead. This girl, this girl that I loved for the better part of a year, we broke up, we stayed friends, I stumbled across a conversation that killed me inside. Not even a month after we had decided to break it off. I felt betrayal, remorse, regret, everything, but for whatever reason I can't bring myself to say that I don't still love her. Maybe it's a flaw in myself, maybe I just love too much for too little. If anyone knows me, me as a person, they'd know that I am against everything and anything drug related, alcohol, nicotine, anything. Last night I had a dream that I got wasted, drunk, blown out of my mind, all because I wanted to feel better, and you know what? I did, I felt relief in my dream. I am in a dark place right now and I want to get out but I don't know how. I can't ask for help, that's not me, I don't ask for help, I don't want to trouble anyone with my problems.

It's Just Me

I'm not easily offended, I'm not regularly an angry person, I don't hate anybody, but I can hold grudges if necessary. One thing that sets me off is when people meddle in my love life, it's a reason that I don't see many people. I've recently found a new friend and we've been together for about two weeks. Within those two weeks I've been given shit about dating my bestfriends ex, I've been given shit about her age, I've had to deal with a boy-whore trying to swoo her (twice), I've had to deal with angry ex-girlfriends, conspiring friends of an ex, and judgemental parents. I've beaten all of those but now I have another obstacle, another boy out to ruin my relationship. This kid hates my friend and he's made it abundantly clear that he will not in any way, shape, or form, look out to protect her. Now suddenly when I'm in the picture I'm a bad guy to him. Just go Fuck yourself, really, I don't need more problems.

Subconscious Thinking

I was browsing one of the popular comic sites where anyone can upload images when I came across a post detailing a man's journey of going through mental experiments to interact with his subconscious, the short hand of this story would go something like, "I was offered a job to test my imagination, I took the job because I needed the money, after a few weeks of being in the plain boring room I started to visualize myself and interact with my imagined manifestation like the doctors had encouraged me to do. I eventually discovered that I was speaking to my subconscious and that he remembered everything correctly, the doctors were impress and encouraged me to continue. I began to lose contact with most of the outside world and one of my friends noticed that. He asked me what my problem was and my manifestation told me to attack him, I did and I beat him pretty badly. Later on I realized my manifested imagination was become more dark and sinister, he would mentally and physically wound me, chipping at my confidence and lying to me. After asking the doctors about the experiment they shrugged me off and kept on. The test afterwards were a little more harsh, I was tied down and forced to interact with my dopleganger, I remember him attacking me with his talons and cutting my arm, I still have a scar from it. Most days I'm stuck with thinking that my manifestation did attack me and leave me with a scar but some days I can make out for myself that I inflicted it. I locked myself in my small apparement, I didn't want these tests to happen anymore. My imagination came forth and told me that he was going to kill everyone I love, my family my friends, some days he even made me watch as he slit my manifested mothers throat. The memories were so real that I could feel the blood, taste it. He told me that my sister would be the first to die, that he would rip out her guts. A few weeks later I got a call from my mother about an incident. My sister had been the most recent victim in a string of murders. The serial killer ripped out the guts of his victims." That is the short hand version, of course after doing a little research, I was able to clarify that this story is not real, if I can find a link I'll try to put it below.

After reading this though I started to think of how amazing it would be to visualize myself and ask literally any question and get a correct answer. Talking to your subconscious, it's very much so possible, but requires months of mental training and preperation. You could find out anything you would ever want to know about yourself or recall some sort of information. It's really a fantastic trick to learn. I read a little more on the subconscious and speaking with it and realized that some things aren't for me to know. Although you can ask yourself about good things like answers to old questions such as "What was that song" or "How many pages are in this certain book" and get a correct answer, it's always a possibilty to ask harmful questions that would bring up surpressed memories. It's black and white with this, you ask a question and get a correct answer, whether you wanted to hear it or not is not up to you. You will be told and you'll have to live with it.

Family Vacation

I'm not that big on my family, in fact, most of the time I watch in awe as families get to go places and have fun together. My brothers and parents don't get along well so there is almost always an argument that will begin. We rarely go on vacations but today was an exception. We all had stayed local during Spring Break rather than going somewhere fun and extravagant so to make up for it, we went on a wildly magical trip. Where? Well, we went to none other than Subway. My parents bought us all dinner. Afterwards we went to Wally World, better known as Wal-mart. We all got some souvenirs from our trip, all I got were some shorts and what I can only describe as an Adult Capri-Sun. It was a fun vacation, sadly it only lasted about an hour and a half.

You Know What's Coming

I was sitting in my class today, completely spaced out while I should have been listening. I started to write down a story on my paper, right over the print, I just wrote it right on top, didn't even care. I was in the zone. I got maybe halfway through my story when class ended and then thought of making this blog. It got me thinking some more though and I've got some great ideas. So to me readers, if you haven't understood what I've been saying, I've already written down half of Part Four, the sequel to Part Three, Part Two, and Part One. If you've not read them, I'd suggest following the links at the bottom of this post. and taking the time to read them. I don't know when I'll finish Part Four or when I'll be relasing it but I'm hoping for sometime during this month.

For a link to Part One, click here
For a link to Part Two, click here
For a link to Part Three, click here

I Don't Know What I Expected.

My friend offered me some of her water infused with Cocoa and Mint. Honestly I had no idea what it was going to taste like. I took a drink and it tasted like minty chocolate. It was really dissorienting. Water should taste like water. My sense are freaking out right now, when I have the taste of mint on my tounge I expect the experience of gum, like a tingly cold feeling, not this. I don't know what to think! It's like mint that ins't minty, water shouldn't taste like this. On the other hand, it was tasty, it was just weird and it threw me off.