Sad

I called my friend at eleven forty in the evening because I was sad. I had no one else to talk to and I had no idea if she would even be there for me. I texted her to ask if she was busy and then again to find out if I could call her because I needed to talk to someone. I had driven around some country roads to see if that could help me but it didn't. I ended up at my old high school's parking just to call my friend. She picked up on the first ring and the first thing I said to her was "I'm sad." She sounded skeptical for a minute, kind of like "That's what this is about? You're sad?" then she asked what it was I was sad about and that's when I broke into tears. I've not been happy for a long while now and it was eating me alive, so much so that I felt I was in a dark hole and that I wouldn't be able to pull myself out. I told her all of my problems, everything that I was unsure about, everything that I was weary of, and everything that has upset me. My life, my job, my friends, nothing seemed good to me anymore and I let her know, I told her seven words, "I don't want to be here anymore" and without skipping a beat, she promptly told me to shut up. She told me that she didn't ever want to hear me say those words ever again. This was the most emotional segment of the call, I was sobbing, pulling my hair, trying to tell her that I just don't feel like I can function how I'm supposed to. I wanted to tell her that I don't want reassurance or help, but that I want someone to tell me it's okay to feel this way and that if I were to die, no one would be upset. This is my way of saying that, through this blog, I want to know that when I die, I won't be missed. At the end of the call, I was laughing through a sore throat  with puffy eyes and a stuffy nose, she's always been able to make me laugh, or at least chuckle, and that's what she did. She asked me if I was feeling better to which I told her yes and then we both said our goodbyes and hung up the phone. I feel now as though she thinks she has genuinely helped me dig my way up out of the hole I am in and for the first few hours after the call, I felt that way. But only a day later, I feel like I'm losing my foothold and starting to fall back in. Yes she helped me but the way I see it, she only managed to distract me from myself. If you read this, thank you for the phone call, it helped for a little while but I still want to go away.

Dark Places

As the title describes, that's where I am right now, I've been in some really dark places lately and currently feel lost in one. I feel as though I've been cheated and left for dead. This girl, this girl that I loved for the better part of a year, we broke up, we stayed friends, I stumbled across a conversation that killed me inside. Not even a month after we had decided to break it off. I felt betrayal, remorse, regret, everything, but for whatever reason I can't bring myself to say that I don't still love her. Maybe it's a flaw in myself, maybe I just love too much for too little. If anyone knows me, me as a person, they'd know that I am against everything and anything drug related, alcohol, nicotine, anything. Last night I had a dream that I got wasted, drunk, blown out of my mind, all because I wanted to feel better, and you know what? I did, I felt relief in my dream. I am in a dark place right now and I want to get out but I don't know how. I can't ask for help, that's not me, I don't ask for help, I don't want to trouble anyone with my problems.